Officially Homeless, Kind-a
The last 24 hours have been so bizarre. I busted my chops looking for work, applied at Wal-Mart and I don't even remember where else anymore, I came home to do call-backs -- to be informed by my mother that I no longer live with my parents and brother, and that they took out a Protection Order against me that day. Why? Because I was insulted that she accused me of being Bi-Polar and having PTSD, when she handed me that list of things she was claiming I've been diagnosed with, which some of it (including those two) I haven't been even tested for. (Did I blog about that before? I can't remember now.) Officers came, handed me "the papers," read them to me, gave me a court date, and told me to get my stuff out of the house "in a timely manner" (they let me fill my car, which took a total of about 2 hours). The "papers" are buried in the bottom of a box somewhere in my car. The court date is in about 10 days, either Nov. 1 or 2. I'll have to figure that out a bit later. This is the first chance I've had in 24 or so hours to actually sit down and try to process all of this.
I've spent a lot of time while driving all over town from one community service to the next trying to figure out what to tell the judge. "Yes, you're honor, I got upset at being accused of these things. I don't claim to be perfect all the time, and I don't think anyone ever is." ((My mom's idea of perfect...)) I've tried to figure out whether or not to blab about all the abuse when I was a kid. I mean, if I do that, guess what happens to Jeff, right? Maybe anyway, and really, my parents are still his best bet for appropriate care.
I think that's what hurts me in all of this: I don't get to see Jeff again for a very, very long time. The rest of this, really, truly, I pretty near don't care about at all anymore. Those two have been hurting me for far too long, getting away with all kinds of crap, being dishonest in order to get their way... I've had it with both of them. I've especially had it with what they choose to think of me, even though generally they have nothing to go on in thinking ill of me. I mean, sure, I've reacted less than cheerily when they've provocatively either verbally or physically attacked, maligned, or otherwise abused me... But you know what? I didn't provoke any of it -- not for real -- only in their warped imaginations. Or else some thing's seriously wrong either with my value system or else my memory.
Yes, I was trying, HARD, to be a good friend to my mom. I was trying to gain her trust. I hoped she would see that I'm sane and likable, and choose to like me. But she chooses instead to see the entire world through a very warped lens. I once made a painting about that. I think I'll call it "Menopause." Seriously, I think that's what's really driving her to behave the way she has lately, though there could be other things at play, I have no idea. She has a warped memory, and very little social sense, I know that much. And she's still a massive control freak who thinks I'm stupid, insane, whatever, and that I need to be "fixed."
I can just picture what she and my dad will tell the judge. I'm not even sure if I'll bother to show up. I like the independence I have now. I just need a permanent home of my very own *sighs.*
Late last night, I bumped into a sweet friend of mine. I don't know how she'd feel about my naming her here, so I won't (unless she ever says I can). Anywho, she listened to me, offered to let me stay at her place, and seriously, that was exactly what I needed. It's only until something opens up (I'm on the waiting lists now at the YWCA and at the Housing Authority), and then I'll be moving out. And, as it is, it's only for sleep and showering, and having a place to eat breakfast and dinner if I'm in the area when she and her other roomie are home. The Christian Aid Center also has 2 meals a day free for everyone, so I can do that too, though I'll admit, I'm more comfy having food in my car and just finding some nice, out of the way place in a park to eat it in. It's just nicer that way.
Did I mention I'm on food stamps now? As of last Friday. Which honestly has been a true life saver. This is a great town, because you can be rich or poor and you can still survive. I feel really bad for those homeless people who don't have cars though. I'm fortunate that my name is on the title to mine, so I have at least some right to keep it (though I think my mom's name might be on it too, I don't remember).
I have to contact all the companies who've been billing me and either cancel or postpone their services. Mom said she'll pay for those for another month. She also let me keep the camera (WooHooo!), and gave me a little food, which I'm sure has rotted by now, since it's buried in a bag in a basket somewhere in my car, which has been in the unusually hot sun all day today.
The Balls have been awesome too! I had lost my glasses at their house, I went to retrieve them, I told them what happened, and they let me store my sleeping bag and a couple other baskets in their garage. I may have left my hair dryer in one of those baskets, and also my combs. And my shaver, and, and, and...
Thank God I moved over to Blogger.com when I did. I don't know if the other server is even still active. Probably. I have some other files on that server I need to go through before it closes, if I can.
I'm asking for all you guys to pray for me, my situation, my family, and my brother. If I show up at the court, the assumption will be that it's to contest the Protection Order. Um, well, erm... See, if I have to stay away from them, then DUH, it means they won't be able to bother me either, right? Heh. That's what I wanted. But, I do want to see Jeff. So. I'm thinking I'll say, "I'm contesting my inability to spend any time at all with Jeff because of this Protection Order, which I don't personally think is an absolute necessity for him. I would like to spend time with him at least periodically. If my parents want to be present, I'm ok with that. If it has to be otherwise supervised, I'm ok with that too. This isn't only important to me, but Jeff has demonstrated on many occasions that this is important to him too, and he shouldn't loose out because the three of us are having a hard time getting along. If my parents want to spend any time with me in the future, I'll want it to be supervised. I'm open to this, and believe that when I'm not living with them, the relationship has potential for being improved, if everyone wants to work toward that goal, go through separate counseling, and anything else that might be appropriate."
I was a little upset at first, mostly bewildered -- usually, Protection Orders are taken out on people for valid reasons, such as if they hit or grabbed someone, or threatened to do so, or they were outright harassing someone verbally, and refused to leave that person alone after being asked to, or whatever. Just deciding you don't like someone... Goodness. Yes, legally, my parents can and have done that. But it's rather unusual, and causes me to question them even more. I do know this: I don't ever want to live with them again. It's just not worth it. They would keep doing this to me over and over eternally. I don't need that. This town doesn't need that. My friends don't need that.
So, I have some place to stay over night. I've had a few other assorted offers (not for a place to live, but other things I could really use too) from other good friends. I probably shouldn't name them here either, even though it's a positive thing. I do know this: what Donny wrote on my MySpace blog is so true. "God will provide. Nothing is too hard for Him" Hehe - thanks, Donny, for throwing my words back at me :D He fulfilled them before I even had a chance to read them!
I'm in the process of possibly gaining employment with a local small business that sells wine and gift baskets. They need a Web Designer (who has other skills too), and I believe I have what they need in this person they want to hire, and what I may not have, I'll attain quickly. I have other applications I want to spend some time this evening filling out too, though the truth is, I'm pooped. I've been on my feet all day, I've talked with a million people it seems. Oh, good news. Apparently, as long as I'm "out of the way" and not asking people for money, I can set up some art stuff in downtown and paint (on good days) without a permit. And put out a hat. Just like the dude on the corner who plays his guitar and makes some dough. Erm, I didn't know anyone could do that, but some cops drove right by him and didn't blink. So... :D :D :D I want to do that. I just have to go to the court house and ask the judge for permission to have my art stuff retrieved. Erm, after I have my own place. Or after I can acquire some storage. Peoples. I need storage! If anyone has some solutions, please email me privately about it. I don't know, but I think I may have only 30 days to get all my junk out of my parents' house.
Please pray that I get that job. Seriously. I want it and need it. They might pay me just enough to get myself out of this mess reasonably. But it's not even the money that's driving me anymore. It's my dream job, and I really want it. It's not some easy job, of course, but when it comes to web stuff, that's what I like most ;)
So, that's DAY 1 of having absolute independence from that which broke my heart the worst and for the longest. It's been a real tiring blast, and after a good night's sleep, I'll be ready for another day of freedom. I look forward to it :)
I've spent a lot of time while driving all over town from one community service to the next trying to figure out what to tell the judge. "Yes, you're honor, I got upset at being accused of these things. I don't claim to be perfect all the time, and I don't think anyone ever is." ((My mom's idea of perfect...)) I've tried to figure out whether or not to blab about all the abuse when I was a kid. I mean, if I do that, guess what happens to Jeff, right? Maybe anyway, and really, my parents are still his best bet for appropriate care.
I think that's what hurts me in all of this: I don't get to see Jeff again for a very, very long time. The rest of this, really, truly, I pretty near don't care about at all anymore. Those two have been hurting me for far too long, getting away with all kinds of crap, being dishonest in order to get their way... I've had it with both of them. I've especially had it with what they choose to think of me, even though generally they have nothing to go on in thinking ill of me. I mean, sure, I've reacted less than cheerily when they've provocatively either verbally or physically attacked, maligned, or otherwise abused me... But you know what? I didn't provoke any of it -- not for real -- only in their warped imaginations. Or else some thing's seriously wrong either with my value system or else my memory.
Yes, I was trying, HARD, to be a good friend to my mom. I was trying to gain her trust. I hoped she would see that I'm sane and likable, and choose to like me. But she chooses instead to see the entire world through a very warped lens. I once made a painting about that. I think I'll call it "Menopause." Seriously, I think that's what's really driving her to behave the way she has lately, though there could be other things at play, I have no idea. She has a warped memory, and very little social sense, I know that much. And she's still a massive control freak who thinks I'm stupid, insane, whatever, and that I need to be "fixed."
I can just picture what she and my dad will tell the judge. I'm not even sure if I'll bother to show up. I like the independence I have now. I just need a permanent home of my very own *sighs.*
Late last night, I bumped into a sweet friend of mine. I don't know how she'd feel about my naming her here, so I won't (unless she ever says I can). Anywho, she listened to me, offered to let me stay at her place, and seriously, that was exactly what I needed. It's only until something opens up (I'm on the waiting lists now at the YWCA and at the Housing Authority), and then I'll be moving out. And, as it is, it's only for sleep and showering, and having a place to eat breakfast and dinner if I'm in the area when she and her other roomie are home. The Christian Aid Center also has 2 meals a day free for everyone, so I can do that too, though I'll admit, I'm more comfy having food in my car and just finding some nice, out of the way place in a park to eat it in. It's just nicer that way.
Did I mention I'm on food stamps now? As of last Friday. Which honestly has been a true life saver. This is a great town, because you can be rich or poor and you can still survive. I feel really bad for those homeless people who don't have cars though. I'm fortunate that my name is on the title to mine, so I have at least some right to keep it (though I think my mom's name might be on it too, I don't remember).
I have to contact all the companies who've been billing me and either cancel or postpone their services. Mom said she'll pay for those for another month. She also let me keep the camera (WooHooo!), and gave me a little food, which I'm sure has rotted by now, since it's buried in a bag in a basket somewhere in my car, which has been in the unusually hot sun all day today.
The Balls have been awesome too! I had lost my glasses at their house, I went to retrieve them, I told them what happened, and they let me store my sleeping bag and a couple other baskets in their garage. I may have left my hair dryer in one of those baskets, and also my combs. And my shaver, and, and, and...
Thank God I moved over to Blogger.com when I did. I don't know if the other server is even still active. Probably. I have some other files on that server I need to go through before it closes, if I can.
I'm asking for all you guys to pray for me, my situation, my family, and my brother. If I show up at the court, the assumption will be that it's to contest the Protection Order. Um, well, erm... See, if I have to stay away from them, then DUH, it means they won't be able to bother me either, right? Heh. That's what I wanted. But, I do want to see Jeff. So. I'm thinking I'll say, "I'm contesting my inability to spend any time at all with Jeff because of this Protection Order, which I don't personally think is an absolute necessity for him. I would like to spend time with him at least periodically. If my parents want to be present, I'm ok with that. If it has to be otherwise supervised, I'm ok with that too. This isn't only important to me, but Jeff has demonstrated on many occasions that this is important to him too, and he shouldn't loose out because the three of us are having a hard time getting along. If my parents want to spend any time with me in the future, I'll want it to be supervised. I'm open to this, and believe that when I'm not living with them, the relationship has potential for being improved, if everyone wants to work toward that goal, go through separate counseling, and anything else that might be appropriate."
I was a little upset at first, mostly bewildered -- usually, Protection Orders are taken out on people for valid reasons, such as if they hit or grabbed someone, or threatened to do so, or they were outright harassing someone verbally, and refused to leave that person alone after being asked to, or whatever. Just deciding you don't like someone... Goodness. Yes, legally, my parents can and have done that. But it's rather unusual, and causes me to question them even more. I do know this: I don't ever want to live with them again. It's just not worth it. They would keep doing this to me over and over eternally. I don't need that. This town doesn't need that. My friends don't need that.
So, I have some place to stay over night. I've had a few other assorted offers (not for a place to live, but other things I could really use too) from other good friends. I probably shouldn't name them here either, even though it's a positive thing. I do know this: what Donny wrote on my MySpace blog is so true. "God will provide. Nothing is too hard for Him" Hehe - thanks, Donny, for throwing my words back at me :D He fulfilled them before I even had a chance to read them!
I'm in the process of possibly gaining employment with a local small business that sells wine and gift baskets. They need a Web Designer (who has other skills too), and I believe I have what they need in this person they want to hire, and what I may not have, I'll attain quickly. I have other applications I want to spend some time this evening filling out too, though the truth is, I'm pooped. I've been on my feet all day, I've talked with a million people it seems. Oh, good news. Apparently, as long as I'm "out of the way" and not asking people for money, I can set up some art stuff in downtown and paint (on good days) without a permit. And put out a hat. Just like the dude on the corner who plays his guitar and makes some dough. Erm, I didn't know anyone could do that, but some cops drove right by him and didn't blink. So... :D :D :D I want to do that. I just have to go to the court house and ask the judge for permission to have my art stuff retrieved. Erm, after I have my own place. Or after I can acquire some storage. Peoples. I need storage! If anyone has some solutions, please email me privately about it. I don't know, but I think I may have only 30 days to get all my junk out of my parents' house.
Please pray that I get that job. Seriously. I want it and need it. They might pay me just enough to get myself out of this mess reasonably. But it's not even the money that's driving me anymore. It's my dream job, and I really want it. It's not some easy job, of course, but when it comes to web stuff, that's what I like most ;)
So, that's DAY 1 of having absolute independence from that which broke my heart the worst and for the longest. It's been a real tiring blast, and after a good night's sleep, I'll be ready for another day of freedom. I look forward to it :)
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 6:05 PM
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