But God
"But God..." was a favorite saying of mine a few years ago. It was kind of a tag-line, of sorts, for me. Was there a meteor headed toward earth that was supposed to blast us all to dust in 2017? But God. Was I in need of a new car, with no good cars seemingly available? But God. Etc. I'm really hanging onto that principle right now. More like resurrecting it. I was just becoming acquainted with the concept a few years ago, some hard things happened that caused me to forget what I was learning, and it's like now I'm realizing how it applies to everything in life. Also, it's ok, in fact it's best, when "I don't know" is your only real answer. Because God does and you don't need a crystal ball. You only need what's in front of you right now.
Was that guy at the CC a potential date/mate? I have no clue. Don't care, when you boil it down, either. I like him, he likes me, it's all cool, but "I don't know" is the bottom line on that one. Heck, I may never actually see him again. It was really sweet though that he wanted rather much (but not too much -- he's not some weird stalker-dude) to see me again, and we agreed to meet up again next quarter. I'd like to keep that promise. Until then, I have a life so very much to live, and live it I am.
Will I get my @$$ fried in court in a few days? I don't know. Will I ever get to see Jeff again? No clue. Will I run out of money and get hit with a thousand bills for things like auto insurance and gas, and still be looking for work? I'd love to say "God won't let that happen!" Oh, I laugh at the irony. That's what I said as Erik tried to convince me I'd get mad at my husband someday, and I was so sure I wouldn't. (No, I'm not mad at God for this. My mom did this, He didn't.) Point being - I don't know and it doesn't matter anyway: God will provide. My only job is to do what's in front of me right now to the best of my ability. And hope to God that if it still all falls apart, they'll accept deep depression as a "disability" and put me on cash assistance. 'Cause I think I might genuinely be clinically depressed if that happens. I could fight it, like I'm doing my best right now to stay positive and forward-positively-focused because I know that really, none of this is my fault to begin with, and it's only my job to keep moving forward. But seriously, everyone has a breaking point, right? That might be it for me. At least then, they'd put me on cash assistance, and then I could legitimately (maybe) get my own place, if I found one that was cheap enough. Sometimes it's easy to confuse "being my normal, nice self to everyone, and not making everyone pay the price for this by my loosing it for real" with "staying positive." Which, for now, is ok. But there is an element to my inner self that is positive.
I just feel like God allowed this because He meant it for good. It really is way past time for me to just do this. I just don't need some weird protection order put on me on top of it all. I'd rather be homeless-for-I-hope-a-very-short-time by choice, all things considered. I do know one thing: other than to get the rest of my stuff, I'd rather never live there again, and truthfully, as the reality of my past and my present, regarding my parents and I, is finally sinking in, it's getting harder and harder to ever want to see them again, excepting in court. They simply can't be trusted, primarily because they don't trust. And they allow themselves to be so negatively extreme. Yeah. That.
But God.
I don't know the outcome of all this. I don't know if I'm waisting my efforts. I don't know how long I'll be on all these waiting lists and programs and so on. I used to work as a volunteer for one of the programs that's now offering me assistance. I saw how thick people's files were, how many were there for 15 or more years, weekly, getting their vouchers and such. I don't want to be a statistic. I want a decent life, and I want it enough to do anything I know how to get it, aside from outright illegal activities, which, if they are existent around here, are rather well hidden. I've wanted that life for a long, long time. I've worked hard to try to have it, for myself, on my own, etc. Part of that has been trying to figure this whole "relying on God" thing out. Ya'll have watched me go through that. I think I understand it a lot more now. I do know one thing: He keeps finding ways daily to remind me that He's Working on my behalf, He's my Spiritual Husband, and I'm going to be ok, and that's really the whole point of this. I'll be just fine.
I do know one thing. All this "I'm not with my parents" stuff has made it easier to stay "positive" (or whatever) for longer periods of time than before, and also to be somehow more "social" than before (yet at the same time, I'm getting a lot better with boundaries and stuff).
Well, enough writing. I think I have enough blood in my brain to go back to the grindstone. Then it's back to the apartment for another night's sleep. And then another day. God is with me.
Was that guy at the CC a potential date/mate? I have no clue. Don't care, when you boil it down, either. I like him, he likes me, it's all cool, but "I don't know" is the bottom line on that one. Heck, I may never actually see him again. It was really sweet though that he wanted rather much (but not too much -- he's not some weird stalker-dude) to see me again, and we agreed to meet up again next quarter. I'd like to keep that promise. Until then, I have a life so very much to live, and live it I am.
Will I get my @$$ fried in court in a few days? I don't know. Will I ever get to see Jeff again? No clue. Will I run out of money and get hit with a thousand bills for things like auto insurance and gas, and still be looking for work? I'd love to say "God won't let that happen!" Oh, I laugh at the irony. That's what I said as Erik tried to convince me I'd get mad at my husband someday, and I was so sure I wouldn't. (No, I'm not mad at God for this. My mom did this, He didn't.) Point being - I don't know and it doesn't matter anyway: God will provide. My only job is to do what's in front of me right now to the best of my ability. And hope to God that if it still all falls apart, they'll accept deep depression as a "disability" and put me on cash assistance. 'Cause I think I might genuinely be clinically depressed if that happens. I could fight it, like I'm doing my best right now to stay positive and forward-positively-focused because I know that really, none of this is my fault to begin with, and it's only my job to keep moving forward. But seriously, everyone has a breaking point, right? That might be it for me. At least then, they'd put me on cash assistance, and then I could legitimately (maybe) get my own place, if I found one that was cheap enough. Sometimes it's easy to confuse "being my normal, nice self to everyone, and not making everyone pay the price for this by my loosing it for real" with "staying positive." Which, for now, is ok. But there is an element to my inner self that is positive.
I just feel like God allowed this because He meant it for good. It really is way past time for me to just do this. I just don't need some weird protection order put on me on top of it all. I'd rather be homeless-for-I-hope-a-very-short-time by choice, all things considered. I do know one thing: other than to get the rest of my stuff, I'd rather never live there again, and truthfully, as the reality of my past and my present, regarding my parents and I, is finally sinking in, it's getting harder and harder to ever want to see them again, excepting in court. They simply can't be trusted, primarily because they don't trust. And they allow themselves to be so negatively extreme. Yeah. That.
But God.
I don't know the outcome of all this. I don't know if I'm waisting my efforts. I don't know how long I'll be on all these waiting lists and programs and so on. I used to work as a volunteer for one of the programs that's now offering me assistance. I saw how thick people's files were, how many were there for 15 or more years, weekly, getting their vouchers and such. I don't want to be a statistic. I want a decent life, and I want it enough to do anything I know how to get it, aside from outright illegal activities, which, if they are existent around here, are rather well hidden. I've wanted that life for a long, long time. I've worked hard to try to have it, for myself, on my own, etc. Part of that has been trying to figure this whole "relying on God" thing out. Ya'll have watched me go through that. I think I understand it a lot more now. I do know one thing: He keeps finding ways daily to remind me that He's Working on my behalf, He's my Spiritual Husband, and I'm going to be ok, and that's really the whole point of this. I'll be just fine.
I do know one thing. All this "I'm not with my parents" stuff has made it easier to stay "positive" (or whatever) for longer periods of time than before, and also to be somehow more "social" than before (yet at the same time, I'm getting a lot better with boundaries and stuff).
Well, enough writing. I think I have enough blood in my brain to go back to the grindstone. Then it's back to the apartment for another night's sleep. And then another day. God is with me.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 7:22 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home