I'm Ready, Maybe
I refuse anymore to even guess at how things are going to unfold for me in my life in the future. But God is in all of it. Every step of the way He has provided for me everything I needed, and then some. So many things that honestly, I can't write about them all. Little things, like comments people have made to me nearly every day, "You're going to make it!", etc. The letter in my mail from the local branch of the WA State Housing Authority, telling me they are now considering me for housing. My transmission dying - and then after I asked God to fix it, well, it works just fine now, and a licensed mechanic has confirmed this -- free of charge. The three major companies in this area who have shown major interest in me -- two of which have hired me and the third seems to nearly have hired me (I'll know Monday morning). One of them I'm going to have to cut loose, to make room for the other two who are paying me more and offering better and faster benefits. Countless people who have offered their homes to me and ensured that I will never go without a roof over my head. If I had any emotional energy left, I would be bawling my brains out -- and laughing histarically at the same time at the shear craziness of it all. My parents chewed me up then spat me out, and God Intervened.
I gave Jeff 28 years with his family, but I wasn't able to give him any more than that. I regret to say that through the stupidity of this whole thing, I have learned that my parents were just as abusive toward him psychologically as they were toward me, though behind my back. APS has been notified and shown the evidence. Jeff won't likely be with our parents for much longer. I have made it clear that he needs visitation with each of his family members, for his own sake. He can't handle not having his family together, much less never seeing any of us again.
I have come into my own, as an adult, and my life is beginning to show the results of this. I was trying damned hard before to do just that, but I didn't have all the info I have now on just how in the world to manage everything, and I also didn't qualify for a lot of necessary services that I now qualify for. I also didn't know just how far people who love me would be willing to go for me. Everyone, including me, was hoping that I could make it out of my parents' house and their lives without going homeless first. Honestly, I have to believe that this was the only mistake any of us made, though about 3 friends kept saying I should just leave. I just didn't know I had anywhere I could go to, so I stayed.
In any case, I'm out now, I have everything I need to survive and money is owed to me and will soon be coming in. In-come. The green stuff. Finally. I am responsible for so many things it's honestly just crazy -- but I have to be, or else it all just simply falls apart. I don't know if I'll get into WWU or not. The financial paperwork might not work out for the rest of this year. I'll survive if that's the case, and still apply for the NPUC grant for next year.
I seriously wanted to kiss some nebulous man this evening. I was in the back of Nolan and Andrea's car and it just kind of hit me: at least on that level, I seriously could deal with dating, at least periodically. But it was more than that. The thing that's been making me jealous of several couples is, quite frankly, their relationships -- the way they get along. It seems like every couple on the planet but my own parents really are each other's best friends, they have a lot in common that they can talk and joke about, and so forth. Sure, there are little (very tiny) squabbles, but nothing seriously big -- not big compared to the junk that my parents turned every conversation into. And that's what I want - to generally get along and if there's some squabble, for it to be manageable. I realize there will be some times when things get a bit "heavy" (old term), but seriously...
No, I don't have time for dating. I don't have time to shower every day either, or even eat regular meals, and I really did forget even to put on deodorant this morning. I've been running myself ragged for 3 1/2 weeks straight now. LOL. Sabbath. What a joke. It's not enough. I need like three days of rest in a row just to make up for the previous four and prep for the next four, if you know what I mean. But, well, when I have "break times" (like if I'm on the bus or in someone else's car, or waiting in line...), yeah, then I have time. But that's pretty much it. Truth be told, I should be asleep for tonight. Heh. Stayed up learning Zelda. Fun game, must learn more.
In fact, I'm too tired to write the rest. I have so many stories to tell. Oh, one thing. When I have my own place with my own key, I'm having a house-warming potluck for everyone who's helped out in my latest adventure. I have a rather long list to make, and I'm proud to make it. You all have been completely cool, awesome, and then some plus that extra bag o' chips besides. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for each one of you. You are all that important, and each that special. Thank you for everything.
And yes, most of all, I thank my Heavenly Husband. And I thank the Father for taking over where my parents messed up. I thank the Spirit for showing me a bit more about what it means to both forgive them and move on without them. It kind of hurts to do that. It's still a little hard for me to not think of them as my parents, but to see them as they truly have been in my life. I wish things could have turned out differently, but it's been out of my hands -- this was all bound to happen no matter what, and I can see that very plainly now. I guess it's just hard because this isn't the way things usually end for the last episode of the 7th/14th season, so to speak. There is no happy ending for all parties involved. That's not the song and dance I was sold as a kid in church, and it does hurt. Thankfully, God has been giving me the Grace to rise above that, at least when I really need to in order to get through everything that's going on in my life now.
I have realized that I'm ready, but I also realize that I can't do any of this on my own. I can do the footwork, but God and my real friends who've become my family over the years, as well as a number of members of the local community, have made it possible for me to succeed. Where things go from here, only God knows, but I'm ready for whatever I have to face next.
I gave Jeff 28 years with his family, but I wasn't able to give him any more than that. I regret to say that through the stupidity of this whole thing, I have learned that my parents were just as abusive toward him psychologically as they were toward me, though behind my back. APS has been notified and shown the evidence. Jeff won't likely be with our parents for much longer. I have made it clear that he needs visitation with each of his family members, for his own sake. He can't handle not having his family together, much less never seeing any of us again.
I have come into my own, as an adult, and my life is beginning to show the results of this. I was trying damned hard before to do just that, but I didn't have all the info I have now on just how in the world to manage everything, and I also didn't qualify for a lot of necessary services that I now qualify for. I also didn't know just how far people who love me would be willing to go for me. Everyone, including me, was hoping that I could make it out of my parents' house and their lives without going homeless first. Honestly, I have to believe that this was the only mistake any of us made, though about 3 friends kept saying I should just leave. I just didn't know I had anywhere I could go to, so I stayed.
In any case, I'm out now, I have everything I need to survive and money is owed to me and will soon be coming in. In-come. The green stuff. Finally. I am responsible for so many things it's honestly just crazy -- but I have to be, or else it all just simply falls apart. I don't know if I'll get into WWU or not. The financial paperwork might not work out for the rest of this year. I'll survive if that's the case, and still apply for the NPUC grant for next year.
I seriously wanted to kiss some nebulous man this evening. I was in the back of Nolan and Andrea's car and it just kind of hit me: at least on that level, I seriously could deal with dating, at least periodically. But it was more than that. The thing that's been making me jealous of several couples is, quite frankly, their relationships -- the way they get along. It seems like every couple on the planet but my own parents really are each other's best friends, they have a lot in common that they can talk and joke about, and so forth. Sure, there are little (very tiny) squabbles, but nothing seriously big -- not big compared to the junk that my parents turned every conversation into. And that's what I want - to generally get along and if there's some squabble, for it to be manageable. I realize there will be some times when things get a bit "heavy" (old term), but seriously...
No, I don't have time for dating. I don't have time to shower every day either, or even eat regular meals, and I really did forget even to put on deodorant this morning. I've been running myself ragged for 3 1/2 weeks straight now. LOL. Sabbath. What a joke. It's not enough. I need like three days of rest in a row just to make up for the previous four and prep for the next four, if you know what I mean. But, well, when I have "break times" (like if I'm on the bus or in someone else's car, or waiting in line...), yeah, then I have time. But that's pretty much it. Truth be told, I should be asleep for tonight. Heh. Stayed up learning Zelda. Fun game, must learn more.
In fact, I'm too tired to write the rest. I have so many stories to tell. Oh, one thing. When I have my own place with my own key, I'm having a house-warming potluck for everyone who's helped out in my latest adventure. I have a rather long list to make, and I'm proud to make it. You all have been completely cool, awesome, and then some plus that extra bag o' chips besides. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for each one of you. You are all that important, and each that special. Thank you for everything.
And yes, most of all, I thank my Heavenly Husband. And I thank the Father for taking over where my parents messed up. I thank the Spirit for showing me a bit more about what it means to both forgive them and move on without them. It kind of hurts to do that. It's still a little hard for me to not think of them as my parents, but to see them as they truly have been in my life. I wish things could have turned out differently, but it's been out of my hands -- this was all bound to happen no matter what, and I can see that very plainly now. I guess it's just hard because this isn't the way things usually end for the last episode of the 7th/14th season, so to speak. There is no happy ending for all parties involved. That's not the song and dance I was sold as a kid in church, and it does hurt. Thankfully, God has been giving me the Grace to rise above that, at least when I really need to in order to get through everything that's going on in my life now.
I have realized that I'm ready, but I also realize that I can't do any of this on my own. I can do the footwork, but God and my real friends who've become my family over the years, as well as a number of members of the local community, have made it possible for me to succeed. Where things go from here, only God knows, but I'm ready for whatever I have to face next.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 12:08 AM
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