A Time for Selfishness
The day the judge made the protection order permanent for 1 year, Erik took me out and bought me tea. Red, of some variety, and it was really good. And I cried because of the whole thing with Jeff. Right there in the back corner of one of our (independently) favorite places to go. Funny. That's the first time we've intentionally gone there together. I'd name it, but this blog is too public for that. A clue: it's the place we got the "vegan" chocolate bar a year and a half ago, with Karianna and Emily, that wasn't exactly milk free after all. Anyway, I lost it, had my hands over my eyes, he took one from across the table and just held it to show support, since hugging would have been rather awkward. Erik, I love you too.
After I was done crying, and the poor waiter timidly came over and quietly handed Erik the check (God only knows what that poor thing thought, but oh well...), Erik stunned me with a truism that has manifested itself in so many ways since that day: "Caroline, you have to start thinking about just you. You have to stop worrying about your parents. You've been so worried about Jeff that you really haven't taken care of yourself, and now you have that opportunity."
I've been running all over town doing just that. But that's about taking care of the logistics of my life. It's not about me, for who I am inside, yet it is. One thing that's really become clear to me is that I was only struggling to be my true self before I was "estranged" (thanks, Andrea, I love that word :D) from my parents a month ago today. Now, I am becoming that complete person, unadulterated by the mire I was stuck living in before. And an overall happy one -- except when I truly have a nerve touched by some random movie, or a comment, or a couple conversing, etc. I've done a great job, for the most part, of not allowing everything I've been through to get me down. But there are times when it just happens, like last night and today. Andrea and I watched "Family man" and though I made it through the movie alright, I went to bed right after, and then spent the next hour crying, because I've never had anyone come to me and say, "I choose us." Ever. Many men have been in and out of my life. Many friends have been in and out of my life. My parents have been in and finally out of my life. Right now, I'm still living in "I choose me" land. I'm not even really ready for an "us" right now. But I still felt really bad about how things have gone down in the past regarding that.
And then today, honestly, I nearly vegged out the whole day. I did do some footwork, as I had to. But whenever I got the chance, until I really felt better inside, I just went down for naps and took a box of tissues with me, or watched The Cosby Show, or put on some music and cleaned the area I'm currently sleeping in (I don't know how much of that I can post publicly). Or blogged ;) I also showered, and really, I have to admit, that may be the first "good" shower I ever took. I normally hate showers. Something about water shooting down at my head that just irks me, and always has. But today, it was different. Warm, refreshing, and it somehow changed my mood to much more pleasant and normal for me. I think I might finally be understanding why in the world people run to the tub when they're stressed. It relaxes them.
And that's really what sparked my writing this tonight. I realized just how true it was, what Karianna said to me a while back, about becoming the kind of person I want to marry someday. I used to think that had to do with morality or something. No. It has to do with the person, one's personality... That choice of whether to be down and clingy all day, or to smile, be care-free and relaxed, and be happy for others when they're off doing other things, and happy to have them around when they choose to be, etc. I have to admit, today was not a great day for me. I tried to keep it to myself, but I couldn't seem to be all cheery or whatever, so I just kind of hid in a corner and tried to deal with myself, and also the sore throat I've been fighting off for a couple of days now. It was so bad that Nolan took Andrea out so they could have some happy time away from my droopiness. I don't blame them, and I really do hope they've had a good time (they're still gone). I think he also did that because they might have both realized that I needed some time to myself, which I seriously did. We've all spent a lot of time together, seen each other in our PJs, cracked a joke about having an orgy... It's like my move to another location on Sunday night, I think, will be a welcome thing, though we all still like each other quite a lot and so forth. Cabin fever, I suppose. I say all this from my own uninformed, guessing perspective, of course. They can correct me where I've misunderstood if I have.
I think it's ok to have selfish days, or nights, when if you need to, you just cry until you're done, and take it easy for a few hours if you can and need to. Honestly, I think anyone who doesn't give themselves that, at least once in awhile, is uptight and needs a good tear-jerker movie to snap them back into themselves. I realize that most people would say, "If you cry, that makes you a wimp." Yes, it expresses that which is already true, the fact that you are vulnerable in some ways. But whether you cry or not doesn't change that fact. You can react to it however you want or need to, but it's still a fact. And I don't think that's a bad thing, to have it be true that you are vulnerable in some way or another. It just means that you recognize the areas of your life that you wish were different, and really, I feel like that's ok too. That doesn't make you a complainer, it means you're being honest about what you want for the future and wish was true today, and that's all it means. I think it's ok to let that hurt for some reasonable period of time.
I'll admit that my thought today about whether I should run out and buy some St. Johns Wart, especially now that it's winter, was a tad premature. It's kind of a reflex, because I'm so used to my pill-pushing mom turning (and wanting me to turn) to any and every pill out there for any and every mild inconvenience in life. The truth is, sometimes it's alright to push through the real pain that you go through, so long as you already have the agreement with yourself that self-destruction is not an option. The whole point is to deal with the real source of the pain until it's dealt with to your own satisfaction -- it's not to mask the pain (and the problem while it festers on), or to seek out quick "fixes" that don't really solve anything, and instead can either make life worse, or end it way before it's one's real time to go. Just facing your pain and living through it doesn't mean you're clinically depressed, for corn's sake. It means that you're brave enough to get through it and move on after it's over.
Yes, this entry is indeed all about me. One of these days, I might post a listing of all the "to do" lists I've gotten through in the last 4 weeks. I'll say here that I've actually very proud of myself for getting through everything that was so unnecessary to begin with. I mean, this whole thing is ludicrous to say the least, and I have to say that all things considered, I've done very well. Yes, God has made it all possible, worked out what seemed impossible, and only asked that I keep right on marching forward. But to say that I deserve none of the credit... Like hell. I deserve even more than I've received thus far, and I know I'll Receive all that will make my life easier to live that can be Given me, and more complete as well.
What have I Received? An almost endless supply of food, I'll always have a roof over my head, my car, all of my possessions, stronger muscles, the ability to plan and execute things in ways that I didn't know I could, and most of all, a much more complete Trust in God, my Husband. I've come to realize that the less my parents have anything at all to do with my life, the more God takes over and makes things right. This whole damn sleigh ride has been all about that.
Right now, I'm listening to a Star Wars soundtrack, and realizing that there is a Force that is at work here, one that I've been so busy that it's only been during obscure moments when I've even been aware that I've been Tapping into. Sure, a lot of it has been about making Requests and Trusting that God will work everything out just fine. In fact, it wasn't even until one of those "naps" today where I realized, "Oh, yeah, I can Listen for You too..." Seriously. This whole thing has been so distracting that I've nearly forgotten everything from before. I suppose there are some good qualities to that fact, but seriously, there are some downsides as well. So, that's something I'm back into at the moment. Just really Listening for God's Voice.
After I was done crying, and the poor waiter timidly came over and quietly handed Erik the check (God only knows what that poor thing thought, but oh well...), Erik stunned me with a truism that has manifested itself in so many ways since that day: "Caroline, you have to start thinking about just you. You have to stop worrying about your parents. You've been so worried about Jeff that you really haven't taken care of yourself, and now you have that opportunity."
I've been running all over town doing just that. But that's about taking care of the logistics of my life. It's not about me, for who I am inside, yet it is. One thing that's really become clear to me is that I was only struggling to be my true self before I was "estranged" (thanks, Andrea, I love that word :D) from my parents a month ago today. Now, I am becoming that complete person, unadulterated by the mire I was stuck living in before. And an overall happy one -- except when I truly have a nerve touched by some random movie, or a comment, or a couple conversing, etc. I've done a great job, for the most part, of not allowing everything I've been through to get me down. But there are times when it just happens, like last night and today. Andrea and I watched "Family man" and though I made it through the movie alright, I went to bed right after, and then spent the next hour crying, because I've never had anyone come to me and say, "I choose us." Ever. Many men have been in and out of my life. Many friends have been in and out of my life. My parents have been in and finally out of my life. Right now, I'm still living in "I choose me" land. I'm not even really ready for an "us" right now. But I still felt really bad about how things have gone down in the past regarding that.
And then today, honestly, I nearly vegged out the whole day. I did do some footwork, as I had to. But whenever I got the chance, until I really felt better inside, I just went down for naps and took a box of tissues with me, or watched The Cosby Show, or put on some music and cleaned the area I'm currently sleeping in (I don't know how much of that I can post publicly). Or blogged ;) I also showered, and really, I have to admit, that may be the first "good" shower I ever took. I normally hate showers. Something about water shooting down at my head that just irks me, and always has. But today, it was different. Warm, refreshing, and it somehow changed my mood to much more pleasant and normal for me. I think I might finally be understanding why in the world people run to the tub when they're stressed. It relaxes them.
And that's really what sparked my writing this tonight. I realized just how true it was, what Karianna said to me a while back, about becoming the kind of person I want to marry someday. I used to think that had to do with morality or something. No. It has to do with the person, one's personality... That choice of whether to be down and clingy all day, or to smile, be care-free and relaxed, and be happy for others when they're off doing other things, and happy to have them around when they choose to be, etc. I have to admit, today was not a great day for me. I tried to keep it to myself, but I couldn't seem to be all cheery or whatever, so I just kind of hid in a corner and tried to deal with myself, and also the sore throat I've been fighting off for a couple of days now. It was so bad that Nolan took Andrea out so they could have some happy time away from my droopiness. I don't blame them, and I really do hope they've had a good time (they're still gone). I think he also did that because they might have both realized that I needed some time to myself, which I seriously did. We've all spent a lot of time together, seen each other in our PJs, cracked a joke about having an orgy... It's like my move to another location on Sunday night, I think, will be a welcome thing, though we all still like each other quite a lot and so forth. Cabin fever, I suppose. I say all this from my own uninformed, guessing perspective, of course. They can correct me where I've misunderstood if I have.
I think it's ok to have selfish days, or nights, when if you need to, you just cry until you're done, and take it easy for a few hours if you can and need to. Honestly, I think anyone who doesn't give themselves that, at least once in awhile, is uptight and needs a good tear-jerker movie to snap them back into themselves. I realize that most people would say, "If you cry, that makes you a wimp." Yes, it expresses that which is already true, the fact that you are vulnerable in some ways. But whether you cry or not doesn't change that fact. You can react to it however you want or need to, but it's still a fact. And I don't think that's a bad thing, to have it be true that you are vulnerable in some way or another. It just means that you recognize the areas of your life that you wish were different, and really, I feel like that's ok too. That doesn't make you a complainer, it means you're being honest about what you want for the future and wish was true today, and that's all it means. I think it's ok to let that hurt for some reasonable period of time.
I'll admit that my thought today about whether I should run out and buy some St. Johns Wart, especially now that it's winter, was a tad premature. It's kind of a reflex, because I'm so used to my pill-pushing mom turning (and wanting me to turn) to any and every pill out there for any and every mild inconvenience in life. The truth is, sometimes it's alright to push through the real pain that you go through, so long as you already have the agreement with yourself that self-destruction is not an option. The whole point is to deal with the real source of the pain until it's dealt with to your own satisfaction -- it's not to mask the pain (and the problem while it festers on), or to seek out quick "fixes" that don't really solve anything, and instead can either make life worse, or end it way before it's one's real time to go. Just facing your pain and living through it doesn't mean you're clinically depressed, for corn's sake. It means that you're brave enough to get through it and move on after it's over.
Yes, this entry is indeed all about me. One of these days, I might post a listing of all the "to do" lists I've gotten through in the last 4 weeks. I'll say here that I've actually very proud of myself for getting through everything that was so unnecessary to begin with. I mean, this whole thing is ludicrous to say the least, and I have to say that all things considered, I've done very well. Yes, God has made it all possible, worked out what seemed impossible, and only asked that I keep right on marching forward. But to say that I deserve none of the credit... Like hell. I deserve even more than I've received thus far, and I know I'll Receive all that will make my life easier to live that can be Given me, and more complete as well.
What have I Received? An almost endless supply of food, I'll always have a roof over my head, my car, all of my possessions, stronger muscles, the ability to plan and execute things in ways that I didn't know I could, and most of all, a much more complete Trust in God, my Husband. I've come to realize that the less my parents have anything at all to do with my life, the more God takes over and makes things right. This whole damn sleigh ride has been all about that.
Right now, I'm listening to a Star Wars soundtrack, and realizing that there is a Force that is at work here, one that I've been so busy that it's only been during obscure moments when I've even been aware that I've been Tapping into. Sure, a lot of it has been about making Requests and Trusting that God will work everything out just fine. In fact, it wasn't even until one of those "naps" today where I realized, "Oh, yeah, I can Listen for You too..." Seriously. This whole thing has been so distracting that I've nearly forgotten everything from before. I suppose there are some good qualities to that fact, but seriously, there are some downsides as well. So, that's something I'm back into at the moment. Just really Listening for God's Voice.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 7:00 PM
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