"We'll deal with it." & "I trust you."

Erik finally got it out of me, in my own voice, that I trust him. I've written it to him in the past, as a decision and a promise, as a goal... But this was more of a statement of fact, because that's what it is. I'm not sure what it was that finally tipped the scales for me - there have been so many things about him as a person, about what he's done for me... But there is a much deeper layer to that statement, one that's easy for me, and I suspect a lot of other people as well, to simply miss, and miss out on: it's ok to trust someone who's not perfect, who makes even big mistakes, who has his "moments"...

It's not just Erik though. It's a lot of people who are just as human as anyone else, who I have taken risks on, knowing that at any time, any one of them could choose to let me down if they wanted to or were cornered into it or whatever. It's friends who've taken me in and helped me out. It's employers who've given me a chance to prove myself, but also have allowed me to make mistakes and go through the process of learning, repeatedly sometimes, from them and moving forward. It's God. That's right: God isn't perfect.

I challenge anyone to find a verse in the Bible that actually says "God is perfect." You won't find it anywhere. If God were perfect, He would have made perfect people, because we were created in His image. We say that God is perfect because He never sinned, and we are imperfect because we did. But the Bible says that God knows evil (see the first few chapters of Genesis - I'm too lazy to look it up today). If God were perfect enough to never sin, then if we were made in His image, we would also be perfect enough to never sin. The Bible says that He was tempted in every way that we've been tempted in. A perfectly perfect God wouldn't be temptable at all: He'd be "too good" for that and wouldn't be tempted by "tempting" things to begin with, and we wouldn't be either.

Satan is a perfectionist.

Think about it. Who is the accuser? Who tries to prove how unworthy and imperfect we all are? It's not God. God might be "the Judge" but it's because He has "good judgment." In other words, He's not stupid: He can see that we are imperfect, thus we are incapable of being perfect, thus we are bound to mess up, and that's ok with Him, 'cause His pockets are fully of poseys and we all fall down...

I used to make lists of what kind of man I'd like to marry. In Erik's words, "A good man." Someone with a great relationship with God, an outstanding character/morals/ethics, nice, fun, blah blah. Someone who would never do anything really, truly stupid. Oh my. I've done enough stupid things in my lifetime to have a pretty good idea of how unrealistic that is. But it's bigger than that. It boils down to a group therapy session at the YWCA I attended yesterday. One of the women there has a separated husband who has a perfect ideal of her in his mind, and he can't allow her to be anything other than that idea of perfect. He's just like my mother, and I swear, I just about screamed out loud when she went on and on in describing what he's like. I realized then that I never, ever want to marry a man who thinks that highly of me -- and that it's deadly poison to think that highly of a man I'll be married to. Because he'll never really be able to live up to those expectations I used to have. I have to expect that he'll do some pretty dumb things, but that it won't be with the idea in mind of hurting me on purpose, and that he'll also be someone who'll always do his best even if it isn't always what's best for me in the end. His intentions will be in the right place, even if he does ever forget me for some split second. It's not like I've never forgotten him - I have, at times.

How can I ever trust anyone who's less than ideal? Simple. Again, in Erik's words, "We'll deal with it." That's what he whispered to me in the courtroom at my first hearing vs. my mom, right before it got started. Prior to saying that, he said, "If it doesn't go well..." I'm finally realizing why it is that it's ok for people to wind up with "messed up" lives. Teen pregnancies, drug addictions, you name it. Because people move on from those points in their lives when they are good and ready to, and they make of their own lives what they want to, and there are good friends and hopefully good family members out there who love and care about them, who'll support and help them as they move onward and upward from all kinds of devastating things that happen in their lives, regardless of who's "at fault" for those things happening in the first place.

I'm no longer afraid to live a crazy life where no one has any idea what's going to happen next, or how to deal with it. I live that life already, and I have to say this: God has been filling in the gaps beautifully. Yesterday, He got me the job I really wanted, even before I wanted to work in the electronics department. I had been in the deli, but they switched me over to being a greeter because they wanted to make sure I didn't hurt my back again on the job. I even got the hours I wanted. At first I thought it was 4 hours a day, but actually, it's 5, but that's close enough (I had wanted only 4, but never told anyone at work that). I love the idea of being a greeter, because I get to be my normally positive, friendly self. Yes, my mom shops there, but I don't have to greet her -- there are a million other things I can do when she comes into my entrance if she ever does. Knowing God, He'll probably work that one out too.

And that's really the point: I do my part as I'm given the opportunities, and He works out the details just in time to save my butt. But it truly is a crazy life I live -- everything is on the line all the time. And I'm "perfectly" ok with that. And the rewards are amazing. I have 2 jobs I like, I work with people who I am becoming friends with, I have food and a great cottage I live in out in the country, I have a car and I have all my stuff. I've been accepted to WWU and worked out the finances so I can go to school there w/o having to pay them anything on a monthly basis if I choose to go (I'm still debating this in my head, since I now have 2 great jobs and a place to live) and the rent for on campus housing would be included plus I wouldn't have to go to chapel, and I have the ability to get financing through the housing authority to help me out with rent if I choose not to go to WWU during winter quarter, but to instead go during spring quarter.

I trust God.

Even though He's crazy, and far from my idea of perfect, I know that God is taking care of me. I did have to be pushed before I jumped (thanks Mikey, for that great quote you used to have on your MySpace), but I'm out now and the sky's the limit. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want, and truly enjoy the craziness that is my life. I do get very tired, and sometimes discouraged, and sometimes sad or mad about the past. I'm human after all, and really that's the whole point. It's ok to just be me. It's ok for people to be people, and for God to be God, and to not worry about it when my life isn't going the way I thought it should. There are so many good things to be gained from life taking unexpected turns, even painful ones. I haven't written nearly enough about it all here. Someday when I have more time, I want to write a book that goes into all of that. This blog could not contain it all, ha ha.

I have the day off, and have spent the entire morning vegging out, which was badly needed. But, this afternoon, I have many miles to go before I sleep. Thank you everyone for keeping me in prayer.