I'll MAKE the time, duh...
I'm still kicking myself for not keeping that fortune from that unexpected cookie. Yes, it's just a piece of paper. THE piece of paper. You know, the one I've been WANTING for how many years? And what did I do??? Here's the scene:
First, I have to set it up. My counselor and I were at the local Mongolian BBQ. She wanted to know all about what's been going on in my life (we hadn't seen each other in about 2 months because of scheduling issues). We talked for probably 2 hours, and then the check came, which she graciously paid for both of us. The check came with 2 cookies. She got one that said she is an artist and will soon be successful (???) and the other, well, it said something to the effect of, "You will soon meet you're soul's life's partner." Um, that's word-for-word what I've been praying for, and, to date, though it's at times been in unexpected/unforseen ways, every fortune I've gotten in the last 2 years at a Chinese restaurant has come true, and I've always known for myself, in my spirit, that Jesus was in it, and that this was His way of trying to tell me something important. And every time these fortunes came true, He really was in it, at the center of it. Because I'm open minded enough to accept it that God can communicate with me that way if He very well pleases to.
So, what did I do? I said, "Well, that's nice, excepting that I don't have the TIME for that right now!" And then I mused, "Well, maybe getting a truck to move my stuff isn't the only missing piece of my puzzle. Maybe that man is the other one." And then I haphazardly set the fortune down on the table. And then to conversation shifted again to some other topic and we soon left. I even looked over the table/booth-seat to make sure I had all my things: purse, keys, glasses, jacket, bag... And that fortune was just sitting there, begging to be noticed, and somehow, I missed it. I can't even blame being in-love for something so stupid as that. It just happened. Proof that I'm human indeed and in spirit.
Yes. I called them back on the cell phone that one of my temporary roomies lent to me. I simply said, "I'm serious, if you happen to find it somewhere, I want it back." They told me to call on Monday. Who knows, but I do have my human doubts on the matter. God can perform any miracle, of course, but I wonder if perhaps the simple, subtle heralding of the soon arrival of my husband into my life wasn't really the whole point, and the paper wasn't that important.
I actually think it's really neat that I got some kind of warning on the matter. I do see some Spiritual implications here. I mean, it's not like Jesus didn't mention a few "warning signs" about His Arrival! I do think that it's hard to really interpret those though. People have been trying for hundreds of years, and every time some little thing happens (or even a big thing) that reminds them of His words, they jump to conclusions, sell all their possessions, sing "Kum-Bi-Ya" or some equivalent... Basically, mass histaria sets in and then a great big "thud" follows it after reality sets in that, because the entire world and not just some small aspect of it wasn't affected by the exact same occurances, then duh, this wasn't "The Second Advent" or whatever your particular denomination happens to call it.
I'm not worried.
That's just the thing. Somehow, it's never made sense to me to freak out over the coming of a Husband. Sure, I used to freak out over meeting my husband. Because I knew just how imperfect I am, and I really believed that a woman ought to be perfect when she marries her husband, who of course, she should be afraid of him being some kind of jerk. I refuse to set such a hideous example for my kids someday, and that's all I can say about that subject. But I don't fear my future husband anymore. Yes, it's hard, seriously hard, for me to imagine his coming into my life anytime soon. I mean, I'm stuck with so many life-living problems right now that I almost can't see straight. I did find myself wishing there were two of me a few days ago, but a husband wasn't what I had in mind. More like I wanted some way of being in at least 2 place at once, while still just being me (fewer mouths to feed, you see). A husband? Even a boyfriend??? Where in the world am I supposed to find time for him??????????????????? Or he for me, for that matter. I now know for sure just exactly how much of an adult I really am -- I no longer have time for another human being. I don't really even have time for me. I need time to cry and don't really have it; must keep moving forward toward the promised land...
I don't regret anything from the past, or how I got here. I do wish I could have had parents who knew how to love me with affection rather than with only an iron fist. But I don't regret being where I am today. I'm happy here in my transitional home. I have great friends I live with, I'm more able to be in touch with the rest of my friends, and I actually have more opportunity now to spend time with Erik and Mikey, who live literally right across the park from me. Oh, the park. What memories. Love lives in that park.
I also don't regret this whole sleigh-ride I've been on. I've learned SOOOOOO much that I needed to learn, that I never would have learned, had I not grabbed the ticket I was handed 32 years ago and said, "I will survive." But what I do seriously, at the moment, wish had been different, goes something like this:
I wish that I had somehow been taught differently about God and the Sabbath. That I had known how to put Him in charge of His own Day(s), and how to not try to make decisions about how to keep it for myself. I would have been employed long ago, and would definitely have all my own possessions, rather than having to go to court to hopefully have them, or their dollar value, relinquished to me. Some of them are priceless. My wedding-baptismal dress, and some pictures of Jeff, as well as my debit card and some other things got left behind. There simply either wasn't room or there wasn't time, or I forgot them by mistake.
I wish I had known what to really expect from my loving husband. God might have allowed us to be together many years ago, had I had some idea of what he would be like, in how he would treat me and in how it would be good and decent to treat him and so forth. It hurts my heart to think back on so many missed opportunities where it would have been excellent for him and me to come together. Yet I do see how, as time flows and life goes, it just wasn't meant to be that way back in days gone by. I guess my biggest regret about this is that, from what I could tell back then, I did have the time. And the energy. Yet my heart was ill prepared for him. Perhaps his for me as well, I don't know.
If it's one thing I've learned how to do in the last 3 weeks, it's how to make time. Erik says that time doesn't exist, and I have to admit, I agree with him. Yet it's something I've learned how to pretty much manufacture from thin air, by being "the busy, productive, happy" woman of the '50s. I hate saying that. Seriously. But it's the genuine truth. We women of today's era have dogged the women of the 50s - our grandmothers who suffered and sacrificed, who kept their many kids alive in PB&J and brown bags of apples and oranges for Christmas gifts, when we really should have been learning from them. True, women should not hop from "daddy's house" to "husband's house" without having found some way, for at least a year, to live as independently as possible. And I hate the lipstick that women wore back then, as well as those hideous sweaters. Ugh. But... They did do something fantastic back then that I'd be hard pressed to see most women of today even attempt to accomplish: they did without, lived on almost nothing, worked their butts off, made do alone without their husbands, and kept the Faith no matter what. Without laptops and cell phones and sometimes without cars, nylons, or even underwear. I send a thousand Kudos to each of them today. Because in some tiny way, I've walked in their shoes for nearly three weeks now, and believe me, I welcome whatever respite comes my way, if even for a few minutes, and I didn't have it half as hard as they did.
Somehow, I will make the time. I don't know how, and perhaps I won't have to worry about it. And maybe that's really the whole point. If I hadn't have worried about having time for the man I've waited all these years for, I might still have that piece of paper, and a really neat story to tell him as I show it to him. Perhaps they'll find it by Monday, but if they don't, the truth is, I'll simply be glad for the respite I'll find in having him, "a good man" (according to Erik), in my life, forever.
First, I have to set it up. My counselor and I were at the local Mongolian BBQ. She wanted to know all about what's been going on in my life (we hadn't seen each other in about 2 months because of scheduling issues). We talked for probably 2 hours, and then the check came, which she graciously paid for both of us. The check came with 2 cookies. She got one that said she is an artist and will soon be successful (???) and the other, well, it said something to the effect of, "You will soon meet you're soul's life's partner." Um, that's word-for-word what I've been praying for, and, to date, though it's at times been in unexpected/unforseen ways, every fortune I've gotten in the last 2 years at a Chinese restaurant has come true, and I've always known for myself, in my spirit, that Jesus was in it, and that this was His way of trying to tell me something important. And every time these fortunes came true, He really was in it, at the center of it. Because I'm open minded enough to accept it that God can communicate with me that way if He very well pleases to.
So, what did I do? I said, "Well, that's nice, excepting that I don't have the TIME for that right now!" And then I mused, "Well, maybe getting a truck to move my stuff isn't the only missing piece of my puzzle. Maybe that man is the other one." And then I haphazardly set the fortune down on the table. And then to conversation shifted again to some other topic and we soon left. I even looked over the table/booth-seat to make sure I had all my things: purse, keys, glasses, jacket, bag... And that fortune was just sitting there, begging to be noticed, and somehow, I missed it. I can't even blame being in-love for something so stupid as that. It just happened. Proof that I'm human indeed and in spirit.
Yes. I called them back on the cell phone that one of my temporary roomies lent to me. I simply said, "I'm serious, if you happen to find it somewhere, I want it back." They told me to call on Monday. Who knows, but I do have my human doubts on the matter. God can perform any miracle, of course, but I wonder if perhaps the simple, subtle heralding of the soon arrival of my husband into my life wasn't really the whole point, and the paper wasn't that important.
I actually think it's really neat that I got some kind of warning on the matter. I do see some Spiritual implications here. I mean, it's not like Jesus didn't mention a few "warning signs" about His Arrival! I do think that it's hard to really interpret those though. People have been trying for hundreds of years, and every time some little thing happens (or even a big thing) that reminds them of His words, they jump to conclusions, sell all their possessions, sing "Kum-Bi-Ya" or some equivalent... Basically, mass histaria sets in and then a great big "thud" follows it after reality sets in that, because the entire world and not just some small aspect of it wasn't affected by the exact same occurances, then duh, this wasn't "The Second Advent" or whatever your particular denomination happens to call it.
I'm not worried.
That's just the thing. Somehow, it's never made sense to me to freak out over the coming of a Husband. Sure, I used to freak out over meeting my husband. Because I knew just how imperfect I am, and I really believed that a woman ought to be perfect when she marries her husband, who of course, she should be afraid of him being some kind of jerk. I refuse to set such a hideous example for my kids someday, and that's all I can say about that subject. But I don't fear my future husband anymore. Yes, it's hard, seriously hard, for me to imagine his coming into my life anytime soon. I mean, I'm stuck with so many life-living problems right now that I almost can't see straight. I did find myself wishing there were two of me a few days ago, but a husband wasn't what I had in mind. More like I wanted some way of being in at least 2 place at once, while still just being me (fewer mouths to feed, you see). A husband? Even a boyfriend??? Where in the world am I supposed to find time for him??????????????????? Or he for me, for that matter. I now know for sure just exactly how much of an adult I really am -- I no longer have time for another human being. I don't really even have time for me. I need time to cry and don't really have it; must keep moving forward toward the promised land...
I don't regret anything from the past, or how I got here. I do wish I could have had parents who knew how to love me with affection rather than with only an iron fist. But I don't regret being where I am today. I'm happy here in my transitional home. I have great friends I live with, I'm more able to be in touch with the rest of my friends, and I actually have more opportunity now to spend time with Erik and Mikey, who live literally right across the park from me. Oh, the park. What memories. Love lives in that park.
I also don't regret this whole sleigh-ride I've been on. I've learned SOOOOOO much that I needed to learn, that I never would have learned, had I not grabbed the ticket I was handed 32 years ago and said, "I will survive." But what I do seriously, at the moment, wish had been different, goes something like this:
I wish that I had somehow been taught differently about God and the Sabbath. That I had known how to put Him in charge of His own Day(s), and how to not try to make decisions about how to keep it for myself. I would have been employed long ago, and would definitely have all my own possessions, rather than having to go to court to hopefully have them, or their dollar value, relinquished to me. Some of them are priceless. My wedding-baptismal dress, and some pictures of Jeff, as well as my debit card and some other things got left behind. There simply either wasn't room or there wasn't time, or I forgot them by mistake.
I wish I had known what to really expect from my loving husband. God might have allowed us to be together many years ago, had I had some idea of what he would be like, in how he would treat me and in how it would be good and decent to treat him and so forth. It hurts my heart to think back on so many missed opportunities where it would have been excellent for him and me to come together. Yet I do see how, as time flows and life goes, it just wasn't meant to be that way back in days gone by. I guess my biggest regret about this is that, from what I could tell back then, I did have the time. And the energy. Yet my heart was ill prepared for him. Perhaps his for me as well, I don't know.
If it's one thing I've learned how to do in the last 3 weeks, it's how to make time. Erik says that time doesn't exist, and I have to admit, I agree with him. Yet it's something I've learned how to pretty much manufacture from thin air, by being "the busy, productive, happy" woman of the '50s. I hate saying that. Seriously. But it's the genuine truth. We women of today's era have dogged the women of the 50s - our grandmothers who suffered and sacrificed, who kept their many kids alive in PB&J and brown bags of apples and oranges for Christmas gifts, when we really should have been learning from them. True, women should not hop from "daddy's house" to "husband's house" without having found some way, for at least a year, to live as independently as possible. And I hate the lipstick that women wore back then, as well as those hideous sweaters. Ugh. But... They did do something fantastic back then that I'd be hard pressed to see most women of today even attempt to accomplish: they did without, lived on almost nothing, worked their butts off, made do alone without their husbands, and kept the Faith no matter what. Without laptops and cell phones and sometimes without cars, nylons, or even underwear. I send a thousand Kudos to each of them today. Because in some tiny way, I've walked in their shoes for nearly three weeks now, and believe me, I welcome whatever respite comes my way, if even for a few minutes, and I didn't have it half as hard as they did.
Somehow, I will make the time. I don't know how, and perhaps I won't have to worry about it. And maybe that's really the whole point. If I hadn't have worried about having time for the man I've waited all these years for, I might still have that piece of paper, and a really neat story to tell him as I show it to him. Perhaps they'll find it by Monday, but if they don't, the truth is, I'll simply be glad for the respite I'll find in having him, "a good man" (according to Erik), in my life, forever.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 11:10 AM
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