I still exist
Just wanted to mention that.
It's been long and hard these last few days. Prepping for the move I can't be there for has been a bit crazy. Running all over town, tying loose ends, trying to remember to eat... And, starting Monday, my work day starts at 3 AM and ends at 12 midnight the next night. And then I get to start it all over again. Until further notice, which might come very soon. I do get a 2 1/2 hour gap between jobs at the other end too, and I'm accounting for time to get ready and time to get to bed after getting home, but you know, I don't know that it really matters anymore. Housework and chores are still work. Showering has become a luxury I force upon myself every other day. Usually, this coincides with my needing to do laundry, since I only have 2 Wal-Mart aprovable employee outfits.
But it's deeper than that. The other day, I met a guy who seriously treated me like I have no value, used "joking around" to call me stupid, and I've now learned how to instantaneously and absolutely hate a person. I didn't know that was possible. Had he caught me on a day when I had the energy to have the brain-power to catch his stupid jokes, I would have returned the "favors" he lavished on me and told him what I really thought of him. After all, he didn't seem to mind utterly critisising every last thing he thought was wrong with me and doing his damnedest to ensure that I knew that I was unlovable, unworthy, etc. Complete jackass. Typical of the kids I used to be in school with. How he can live with himself, I have no idea. How he has never been properly "dressed down" I have no idea either. Possibly because he prays on those who don't have the time or the mental energy at the moment to properly deal with someone of his kind. And then come to find out that he's been doing the same thing to Erik too... I'm honestly disgusted by the thought of this latest acquaintance. There, now I'm done ranting, and really, he's not worth one more word, beyond the title of this entry: I still exist. Therefore, I am of innate and priceless value. I suppose he is too, but it's too bad he either doesn't realize it or doesn't know how to act on that knowledge properly; or possibly he knows but he just seriously doesn't care, which I think makes him a coward on top of everything else.
Tomorrow is the last day that my parents will have my things in their house. From then on, they have no reminders of me at all. Just a lot of empty space. They hate me. That guy I met is just like them. Legalist, etc. I'm better off gone, and without them in my life. I just wish I could imagine that they miss me and are sorry. Hogwash. Even were they to act like it, I would never believe them because in the end it's always a lie. Every time. No matter what. I really don't miss them, at all. They didn't give me anything to miss about them. I just wish I could have added Jeff to my list of "things" to retrieve from the house. Too bad reality doesn't work like that.
On Monday, I intend to put a down payment on a cheap apartment at the college. And then I'll have less than a dollar in my bank account, until Thursday. Peoples. It's more than official: I'm out. And gone. Forever. I'm part of the "elite" adults in the world who live from pay-check to pay-check, who bust their asses day in and day out, and who generally wind up looking and sounding like complete air-heads, not because they are, but because they aren't really getting much sleep at all. I'm fortunate: I don't have kids.
I have to get to bed. God bless you all, and I thank God for each one of you who has been willing to help with the move, and really, with my life.
It's been long and hard these last few days. Prepping for the move I can't be there for has been a bit crazy. Running all over town, tying loose ends, trying to remember to eat... And, starting Monday, my work day starts at 3 AM and ends at 12 midnight the next night. And then I get to start it all over again. Until further notice, which might come very soon. I do get a 2 1/2 hour gap between jobs at the other end too, and I'm accounting for time to get ready and time to get to bed after getting home, but you know, I don't know that it really matters anymore. Housework and chores are still work. Showering has become a luxury I force upon myself every other day. Usually, this coincides with my needing to do laundry, since I only have 2 Wal-Mart aprovable employee outfits.
But it's deeper than that. The other day, I met a guy who seriously treated me like I have no value, used "joking around" to call me stupid, and I've now learned how to instantaneously and absolutely hate a person. I didn't know that was possible. Had he caught me on a day when I had the energy to have the brain-power to catch his stupid jokes, I would have returned the "favors" he lavished on me and told him what I really thought of him. After all, he didn't seem to mind utterly critisising every last thing he thought was wrong with me and doing his damnedest to ensure that I knew that I was unlovable, unworthy, etc. Complete jackass. Typical of the kids I used to be in school with. How he can live with himself, I have no idea. How he has never been properly "dressed down" I have no idea either. Possibly because he prays on those who don't have the time or the mental energy at the moment to properly deal with someone of his kind. And then come to find out that he's been doing the same thing to Erik too... I'm honestly disgusted by the thought of this latest acquaintance. There, now I'm done ranting, and really, he's not worth one more word, beyond the title of this entry: I still exist. Therefore, I am of innate and priceless value. I suppose he is too, but it's too bad he either doesn't realize it or doesn't know how to act on that knowledge properly; or possibly he knows but he just seriously doesn't care, which I think makes him a coward on top of everything else.
Tomorrow is the last day that my parents will have my things in their house. From then on, they have no reminders of me at all. Just a lot of empty space. They hate me. That guy I met is just like them. Legalist, etc. I'm better off gone, and without them in my life. I just wish I could imagine that they miss me and are sorry. Hogwash. Even were they to act like it, I would never believe them because in the end it's always a lie. Every time. No matter what. I really don't miss them, at all. They didn't give me anything to miss about them. I just wish I could have added Jeff to my list of "things" to retrieve from the house. Too bad reality doesn't work like that.
On Monday, I intend to put a down payment on a cheap apartment at the college. And then I'll have less than a dollar in my bank account, until Thursday. Peoples. It's more than official: I'm out. And gone. Forever. I'm part of the "elite" adults in the world who live from pay-check to pay-check, who bust their asses day in and day out, and who generally wind up looking and sounding like complete air-heads, not because they are, but because they aren't really getting much sleep at all. I'm fortunate: I don't have kids.
I have to get to bed. God bless you all, and I thank God for each one of you who has been willing to help with the move, and really, with my life.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 12:05 AM
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